Owen Xia, A.K.A. “Xavier Ignacio Andrés Yochkov Ian Nanguo”, was born on an obscure island in the middle of Pacific Ocean 2 weeks after his parents’ plane crashed during a family trip to the South Pole.
Miraculously unhurt, his parents swam 47 kilometers and were eventually rescued by an ugly mermaid who later taught their son the occult language of Poseidonian which to date has had 7 speakers, Owen included.
Owen’s parents had been truly optimistic about being saved some day throughout the entire 8 years stuck on the island, but at the end of the 8th year, they decided it was time to give their son some formal education apart from Owen’s abundant knowledge of exotic plants and insects.
The family sailed across the misty ocean on the back of the aforementioned mermaid in spite of her violent objections. Seven days and seven nights later they disembarked in Shanghai. The family thanked the mermaid profusely before selling her to a renowned local museum.
“Ullaluk akkumak” was the last Poseidonian expression Owen heard from the mermaid. He was perplexed by her passionate body language. He thought she wanted to pee but the museum guys wouldn’t let her. He had no idea what she was screaming about because all he could speak in Poseidonian were “akkumak” which means “coconut” and “akkumak akkumak” which means “get lost”. The mermaid did break out of the museum many years later, or so Owen has heard.
No elementary school was willing to enroll Owen, so he had to learn things all by himself from a thick stack of porno magazines stolen from his neighbor. Owen fervently devoured this eclectic material and acquired an amazing set of vocabulary, drawing skills and anatomical knowledge. Somehow he managed to go to college.
After graduation Owen went on to travel the world in search for the mermaid. If they meet again some day, he would like to say to her, “akkumak akkumak akkumak”.